Dancing in the rain

I want to dance in the rain. The sky opens up and the translucent drops fall to the ground from above. I want to be free, rain splattering on my skin, seeping into my hair. Soaking me and enveloping me within itself. Washing away my fears and worries, the things I want to forget. Granting me a clean slate to start over, to live again not trapped by the constraints of my mind.

Things used to be effortless. I used to be content with just me. Spending time alone, living, thinking, learning. But with anything, once you’ve got a feeling for what could be, you constantly are craving that. And going back to how things used to be, well, it takes time for that to be satisfied once again. But life shouldn’t be merely satisfactory.

Life should be exhilarating, thrilling and terrifying. It should be unexpected and worth living, whatever that definition means to you. There are moments I wish I could do differently. I do wish I could go back and protect myself from how much I got hurt with certain things. I wish I could do more than just stand behind the glass yelling at my past self as she relives those moments she cannot change.

I wish I could pull her out of the darkness, that I could swoop in and save her from the moments she wishes she could forget. I’d shield her from the negativity, block harm from her way. I’d protect her, I’d hold her on the nights where she was afraid of the future and couldn’t sleep. I’d tell her, despite me being unsure, that some way, somehow, eventually things would be okay. I’d listen to her when there was no one to hear her weary voice.

She would grow to be stronger. She would find her voice. She would learn to open up. She would learn to love again.

Because I could tell her, the memories fade. The moments dull. People can fool you, but they do not change. Everyone has an intention. The only one who you can trust is you. And, sometimes the memories come back in waves and you hate yourself for thinking about when you were happier. But someday, you will get there again. Patience is a virtue.

But how long must one be patient for?

There’s no answer to this question. But, there is the knowledge that things do and will change.

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