All the Things I Could Say but Don’t

I’m not sure if you’ll read this. On the off chance you do, you’ll know who you are. I’m not writing for any particular reason – I think you and I are in a good place right now. But I could be wrong, I’m really never quite sure. You keep me wondering a lot of the time, but distance also adds a dimension to us in a way that nothing else quite can. I am certain of a few things.

I cannot wait until I can finally see you again. I don’t think I’ve ever missed someone as much as I miss you. I missed you before this and I didn’t think it was even possible to miss you more than I did then, but I do. When I see you next, I hope you’re prepared for a hug that I won’t want to let go of. I probably think about the next time I’ll see you just a littttttle too much. Our dynamic, it is so unconventional, and like I’ve said, hard to navigate and kinda confusing. I love you, but the way I do is so different from how I used to. I can’t explain it. The way I love you is one of the few things that even I cannot quite justify with words.

Recently I confronted you. I felt our relationship becoming strained for its own reasons, but I felt that you didn’t care as much as I did. And since we worked things through, I’ve realized a few things. Whilst you might not have shown me in the ways I expected that you cared about me, you proved to me in your own way that you value me more than I can probably tell. I know very few people (if any) that would be able to talk things through like we do and still be as close as we are. I sometimes think about how different we are in an expressive sense: me so upfront all the time about everything, while you are more reserved and show your thoughts in other ways rather than simply stating like I do.

I find myself teetering between idealism and realism lately. Exactly as you said, sometimes I do want to follow my heart and dive in full speed ahead into the deep end with you too. I think about how what we had has been nothing like I’ve had ever since and I struggle to wash away a potential future with you. But right now, that’s all it is. A potential future. A possibility contingent on probably hundreds of things going right. It scares me to think about us trying and failing. Part of me would always wonder if we never did try. But, the realist in me agrees with you as well about the fact of us blindly chasing something that was once so beautiful. Because that very well might just be what we are doing.

We might have similar career goals and values and an unbelievable way of communicating with each other, but what if we really are too different now than the kids in love that we once were? I can’t help but wonder how things would change. About how much that we alone have changed. If we would actually work as an “us.” And I don’t know how willing I would be to sacrifice the friendship we have now for something that wouldn’t be sustainable for, well, I guess life. I can see a future with you but at the same time, I can’t see anything clear at all. It’s impossible to. I know this isn’t something I should even be thinking about now. But with so much time on my hands, I can’t help myself.

The harsh reality is that we are so far from each other. If that changes, there is so much more to consider. But as we grow older, I feel like life is too short to not at least try to make things work more so for people that mean as much as you do to me. And that doesn’t even mean us changing what we are. It means seeing you more frequently at the very least. I hate that one of my closest friends in the world is so far away. I miss you, plain and simple.

There are so many factors that neither of us have any control over. I wish we could sit and guarantee each other things like the fact that we will see each other more often or if we decided to act on things we’ve said that we would do everything we could but I know that these “guarantees” are so unbelievably out of our control. Geography is going to be based on school admissions. Time is going to be dictated by schedules that we don’t decide. Careers may take us places we can’t know yet.

But feelings are dictated by us. Through it all, even though you and I haven’t made in person work more frequently, I don’t think that we ever actually (really) tried before. I think if we change that, it changes everything. I agree with you that right now, this is entirely a long-distance friendship. I see you way too little. And it is so damn hard. I hate it and would do anything I could to change it.

I wish I could just fly (I would still be in Chicago) to come see you at school in New York and you’d come pick me up at the airport (with pretty flowers, of course, because this is my imagination and flowers seemed appropriate in my head). We’d sing in the car, go for walks and on adventures throughout the weekend, but also leave aside time to study because we’d both probably have school work and need to get that 4.0 GPA for medical school. It would be amazing, as spending time with you always is. And I probably wouldn’t want to make my flight back to school, but nevertheless I would, sending myself back to reality in which us being far would hopefully now only be temporary.

As we’ve said, it really is up to us and only us.

What do you really want?

What role will I play in your life, do I remain written in your story?

In the end it comes down to that, your needs, your wants and desires and mine. I have my doubts and you have yours but I think there is a tiny voice in the both of us that also has its hopes. And neither of us know. The only thing that I am completely certain of is this: life is way too short to just keep on waiting for things to happen. If we want to make a change, you and I need to take an active role in this. I do really believe that if two people do care enough, they can make the best of any situation. We might or we might not, but I think in the end the idealist in me won’t be happy until we’ve decided the best route to go.

You and I keeping in touch but with some space is healthy for us. Too much connection creates an obsession. We need to have the chance to miss each other on our own. I’m confident that we will get through this even though we are so far away from each other. I keep thinking about the day I’ll see you next and with each day that goes by, I look forward to it more and more.

Nothing compares to being with you in person. 

always to you, S,

M

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