You Didn’t Choose Me Always

In dance today, Susan said, “It’s important to listen and recognize our inner voices… and to know when to tell them to SHUT THE FUCK UP.” Somehow, she clearly knew I needed to hear this.

For the past week or so, my inner voice has been feverous, hopeful, optimistic about you, S. But the reality of it is, it’s time I start ignoring that voice. All my life, I haven’t done something that I realized I should’ve been doing: choosing people who always choose me.

With you, time after time, it seems like you never truly wanted me since we reconnected. And even before then, the first time I lost you, you never fought for us when things got tough at the end. Recently, you never needed me. I was a convenience friend. You never chose to let me in, chose to let me help, chose to let me be someone to you. Or if you did, I didn’t even realize because I never was made to feel that. If anything, lately I’ve felt disposable to you. And your further distance, your not wanting to make our friendship work, not wanting to see me when you were in town, you crushed the heart and hope of the little, innocent inner voice.

And today, it was about time I told that voice to shut the fuck up. Because you’re completely gone, or at least this feels like a goodbye if there ever was one.

But before I fully say goodbye, I need to say thank you. Before things took a turn with us, whether you realize it or not, I want to acknowledge the nights you were there for me in some of my darkest and loneliest moments. That you were there for me in the times where I really needed someone most when it felt like everyone and everything in this world was against me.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for keeping me company on the phone when I was scared and alone on the train from Chicago to Cleveland. I will never forget my vulnerability in that conversation and the reassurance you gave me that I needed to hear. Thank you for talking to me on the nights where I felt like I just couldn’t deal with what was going on with fights with my parents, for helping me recognize the person I want to be in the future. Thank you for keeping me company on facetime while I slept alone in my new apartment for the first two nights, my life in shambles, and my things in boxes. The piece of my lamp that fell as I assembled it is still stuck under my cabinet and probably always will be. Thank you for always being there when I needed you most to be, even if you never quite recognized how much of an impact you actually were having. Even if you felt it was fake, in those moments, to me it was real. And maybe for you, everything we’ve been through might fade, and I might to you too, but I will never forget the way you’ve supported me even if you aren’t in my life anymore. I will always remember.

On another note, from the sudden shutting me out of your life from which I still struggle to understand where I went wrong or what I did or what changed, I’ve learned lessons as well. Thank you for teaching me that I will move on even if I don’t want to. For believing in myself that I am all that I need, that my life does and will go on without you in it, no matter how hard and scary it is to let go of your presence. Thank you for showing me that I deserve to be loved, how to be loved and supported, that I deserve to be valued, to be listened to, to be wanted. That I should be accepted for myself and nothing less and if I’m not I shouldn’t be okay with that.

I can’t help but to think that I should have let you go a long time ago. That maybe I shouldn’t have reached out to you when I heard you transferred. I remember where I was – in my bathroom in my freshman dorm getting ready for class, agonizing whether to text you or not. But I did, and I don’t regret trying to be the bigger person. But now, I wonder if I was too honest, too forgiving. But I’m not going to apologize for being who I am and for doing what felt right in my heart.

You and I are different people from who we once were and my inner voice grew so loud since we reconnected that it had me almost living in a fantasy. Your recent rashness hushed it, forced it to retreat and silence. And I see it clearly. All I ever wanted from you was to be wanted. No longer am I up at night, wishing to be with you, wishing that I could just tell you how I felt. Craving for you to say the things that I once really wanted to hear. Begging you to care as much as me, to try. Mercilessly confused at trying to figure out what role you wanted me in your life to be.

No longer am I giving you the agency to my heart, to break me, or to even love me. You don’t choose me always and I deserve someone who does.

This doesn’t even come down to lovers – it comes down to friends. If you chose me, I wouldn’t feel the constant uncertainty around you, the anxiety of when you’ll reply, the stress of when things will settle. You would check in on me, you would make me feel like you wanted to talk to me. You would actively choose to be my friend, not solely when I reached out to you.

True friends choose me always. It doesn’t matter what you’ve said or done if someone wants you or loves you, they let you know. Maybe not through words but through actions or vice versa. And through this limbo we’ve been through recently, you’ve shown me your true colors and how you feel – that you just don’t seem care anymore. And that’s alright. Truly. I was being naive to think you’d care forever, life is just too dynamic and our distance is clearly too much. I’m tired of fighting for you. Tired of trying to make us work as friends. So I’m giving up, retreating, raising my white flag and retiring my swords and armor.

I want the best for you and I hope you meet someone that you will choose always and she does the same. And I hope she makes you happier than me being in your life ever could have – whether she is a best friend, a girlfriend, or both. I hope you treat her with the respect and the care you sometimes forgot to give to me. You deserve absolutely nothing but the best in life and I hope that you’re someday incredibly successful and happy and fulfilled. There are tears in my eyes as I write this; it makes me sad to know that I won’t be in your life to see any of it happen, but this is me choosing to let you go because it seems to be the best for both of us and what you want.

always,

M

 

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