It’s been over a month now since we stopped talking. We haven’t been together for over three years now, but this is the first time our friendship is simply gone.
While that in itself is crazy to think, finally letting you go for good has changed so much for me. I never thought I would see the day where I’d acknowledge that. Of course, the memories of us are always going to hold a soft space in my heart. But that’s just what they are now – memories. Snapshots of moments to go back to in my head, and as time goes onward, they’ll fade too.
Without you in my life, I’ve become someone who appreciates herself. Confident. I’ve seen myself happier than I’ve been in a while. I’m not anxious about us or crying about the uncertainty of where we’ll go or what we’ll be. The thing is, I’m ready to accept the love that I deserve, and I know there are other people out in the world who are ready to love me for who I am. To support me. To be there for me.
He’ll be someone who takes late-night drives with me, windows down, music blasting, laughing, and singing when we don’t even know the lyrics. We’ll lie in the grass on summer nights and watch the stars move across the sky. We’ll have Sunday brunches with chocolate-chip pancakes while standing in the kitchen in our pajamas. We’ll explore cities and uncover new places that we’ll call our spots. He’ll grab my hand and take me dancing in the rain. Sunrises, sunsets, mornings, and midnights. And every once in awhile, we’ll stop for a moment to just look at each other and wonder how we found each other.
I just want to fall in love again. It’s been almost two and a half years since I’ve let someone in. It’s funny how falling in love is a different kind of vulnerability than anything else. No other emotion or experience is truly like it. Love takes strength and a willingness to compromise. No love is perfect all the time. But what makes love work is choosing the ones you love always, even when you might not want to.
It’s understanding why someone does a certain thing or acts a certain way and doing whatever you can do to support them through thick and thin. It’s being there no matter what life throws at you and not running away. It’s considering the ones you love a priority and making the space in your life for the things that matter most. It’s making them feel wanted and appreciated for who they are. It’s laughing and dancing and spending time together that you don’t want to end.
I met someone new. We’ll call him N. He seems really cute and I want to know him better. While he’s graduated from my college already, he was willing to drive from Wisconsin to come to meet me for our first date. We’ve been talking for a few weeks practically daily and I’m looking forward to seeing where things go. I don’t know if it’ll turn into anything, but secretly I’m hoping it does. I haven’t felt a connection like I have with him with a guy in a long time, and even though he doesn’t seem “perfect” I hope he takes a chance and gives me a shot.
Only time will tell. And in the end, if N doesn’t work, there are so many people out in the world that I haven’t even begun to meet yet. My life is still just beginning, and I can’t wait to see where it goes, who I’ll love, what I’ll do, and who I’ll grow to be.
If anything, these past few months have resulted in immense self-reflection and for me, it’s clear what I want more than ever.