You saw me before I saw you. I jaywalked across Sheridan Ave; you watching me while I was blissfully unaware of my surroundings. And then we saw each other, and you came to me and matched my pace and we took a walk that started this all. Something that I wasn’t sure would be anything or what it would be. But I was sure of one thing – I liked you. And that is a fact that has only solidified with time.
Over a month later since that day, August 21st, here we are. With each time I see you, I find myself looking forward to when I see you next and the second you leave, I wish you were still here. So many moments with you and memories that I flash back to. Sitting behind old Kellogg and Deering gardens talking for hours. Swimming in the lake at night, climbing trees, hammocking, walks, playing tennis, photos, going to Wisconsin, Indiana Dunes, sunsets, late night drives, beating me at every single Wii game except Wii Play fishing. Sunflowers. Cuddling and our late night talks. One of the first nights you walked me home you scooping me up and carrying me.
I love every minute we spend together and it scares me. It scares me because I don’t know what we are and I’ve never been so unsure because I don’t know what you want us to be. Or what you think we could be. Or even if you truly want me. You aren’t expressive in your words, P, in the same way that I am. And that’s perfectly okay. I just wish that your words would match your actions. I want to be yours. You act like I am… but I don’t quite know for sure. I can’t hold you to higher standards because *technically* you aren’t mine. I don’t know where the boundaries lie. And I’m trying. I’m trying to be patient. I’m trying to give you time to get over wherever your hesitation is coming from. To realize what I can be to you.
When I met you, something felt different than any other first date I’ve gone on. And maybe perhaps it was because you and I spent months talking before we hung out in person. It gave us the chance to become friends first. It gave us the chance to know each other, to want each other. But for me, it made me feel a sense of comfort with you that I’ve never known. That could just be the way we click. P you are one of the kindest, compassionate and most empathetic people I have ever known. You’re incredibly mature and patient and you treat me better than any guy I’ve known. And yes, I know that’s what I deserve. But it thrills me that you are also what I want.
For your birthday, you told me I didn’t have to do anything. See, I knew that. But you’re the kind of guy who makes me want to go above and beyond for. I know I don’t have to do things I do. But I want to. And maybe this is just me being sappy and it scares me to admit this. But after knowing you since late June and it now being October, I can say with certainty… I’m falling in love with you. And that terrifies me. We aren’t even *technically* dating. How can I love you if you won’t even commit to me? My brain doesn’t know what to do with that, P. Do you feel it too? Are you falling in love with me? Do you think about that ever?
Do you look forward to every time you see me? Do you wish we spent more time together? Do you have fun with me? Do you see a future with me? Do you ever think about it? About what we could be? Do you think about planning future dates or cuddling? Do you miss me when I’m not with you? Do you have flashbacks to memories of us that were happy moments?
I wish I knew what you were thinking. I wish I knew your answers to those questions. I wish I knew we were on the same page or that I could flash forward and see us happily dating down the line. But these are all things I cannot say aloud. I don’t want to lose you. They make me want to run away from you because I am so afraid of things going south and I don’t know how you feel and it is so hard to tell. But your actions speak volumes. And I appreciate that so much.
For now, I stay here, stuck in my imagination until eventually your emotions will catch up with the rest of you. I hope you can get over your fear of labels and let yourself love me. I’m falling in love with you even though I would never admit that to you aloud just yet… but I hope you are falling in love with me too. I hope you see a future with me. I hope you value me as much as I do you. And if you don’t, then I guess I’m just setting myself up for another heartbreak. But that’s a risk I’m willing to take. You’ve shown me how I deserve to be treated and so much more.
I’m falling for you and in order for us to write something truly beautiful, the only way to do that is to throw caution to the wind, have patience and just see where life takes us.
All I can do is hope you’re falling in love with me too.