where we’re at

Where are you at? I find myself asking that question so often now as I continue to try to avoid thinking about where life is going to leave us in the future. With winter coming, I have no idea where we’ll be. I know we’ll effectively be long distance, that’s for sure. Does that mean we’re over? Will you miss me?

It’s going to be odd not seeing you every week. I know I’ll miss you dearly. You’ve become a piece of my life that I always look forward to – a bright spot in all this darkness that reminds me that there’s some normalcy if you look hard enough. I wonder how lonely I’ll be again without you. But then again, I also wonder, why do we have to end this if it is going well for both of us?

I know you’re not ready to be accountable for a relationship. I know for whatever reason, you don’t even want to try, or at the very least gave me the impression that you don’t want to stay in touch past beginning of winter either. And I’m not going to push you on that. I’m leaving things up to the universe to fall and play out in whatever way that they do. Except that doesn’t mean that I don’t wish they were different. That doesn’t mean that I don’t wish you would reassure me that things will be okay, that you want to see me when you’re in MA. That for once, you’d put in more effort than I am and make me feel more wanted. It’s hard to understand this because everything feels so good and so right and the fact that you don’t want to be something more confuses me. But we both agreed that we didn’t want or need more than where we’re at, so I guess that leaves us here, where we are.

I’m scared I’m going to lose you come winter. Deep down I know if it’s meant to be and we’re meant to be in each other’s lives, then that will happen. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it. Or about how much I’m going to miss you come once we go home for good for thanksgiving. I hope we facetime and I hope you make the time to see me. But I’m not going to beg or try to convince. If you want to, you will. As much as that saddens me to acknowledge, it really is the truth.

I know you won’t change your mind. I really do wish I knew though. I wish I knew how you felt. About me, about us, about everything.

I wish we could be together.

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